Becoming a Dad

This article is for dads. Even though getting pregnant and having a baby is very much a joint venture for a couple, fathers usually take a back seat in books like this. I’d like to correct that bias. Your baby doesn’t have any notion about the difference between mothers and fathers. She just wants to be loved and cared for. Men can do these things just as well as women, and caring for your baby helps build your relationship with her for the future. That fact alone makes a powerful argument for parenting being equal and shared.

MAKING ROOM FOR FATHERS

Don’t worry-getting involved with parenting needn’t be a problem. With a little planning and a generous heart, both of you can enjoy sharing all the aspects of caring for your baby. After all, baby care means loving your baby, encouraging your baby, teaching your baby, watching your baby grow and develop, and establishing bonds with your baby that will probably be the strongest you ever make with anyone. Being a parent is perhaps the most important job any of us do. Who in their right mind would not want to be a part of all that?

As a father, try not to allow yourself to miss out on this unique relationship. And you’ll find that when you’re fully involved with your baby, a little miracle happens along the way: your relationship with your baby’s mother flourishes, too.

No one has trouble defining a mother’s role. Mothers care for children: they feed, comfort, dress, and bathe; they encourage, teach, carry, undress, put to bed, and maybe sing to sleep. We all know this because it’s what our mothers did for us when we were children. Defining a father’s role is more difficult, and many men are struggling to come to terms with what it means to be a modern father.

Finding a role model Much as you may love your own father, you may want your own relationship with your children to be different. Men today are encouraged to have a much more hands­ome approach to caring for their children, but few have a role model to show them what this actually means. What’s really needed is for fathers to be much more involved with the day-to­day business of child care-for them to be more like mothers.

Your baby doesn’t mind Babies and young children are happy to be cared for by their father or mother. What your baby needs is comfort, warmth, and security from her parents. Although she’ll soon learn to tell her mother and father apart, she’s not going to make value judgments based on what mothers and fathers ought to do. Apart from breastfeeding, there’s nothing a woman can do for a baby that can’t be done by a man.

The need for parenting Babies don’t need mothering and fathering, they need parenting. They need the most important adults in their lives to be models of what parents do for their children. When this happens, the next generation of fathers will not be at a loss to know what a father’s role should be. A child will only start to look to one parent rather than the other for her needs if this is what she learns she should do from her experiences. If you, as a father, never change her diaper, hold her when she cries, or play and laugh with her, of course she’ll relate more to the parent who does do all those things.

YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HAVING A FAMILY

However much you long for a family, the decision to go ahead and have a child needs the same reasoned, clear-eyed evaluation you’d give to any other major change in your life, such as buying a house or a new car. It helps to be open with one another about your feelings and to put into words some of the thoughts and questions that may be lurking in the back of your mind. Even if you think you both really want a baby because you love each other and it seems like the natural thing to do, it’s still a good idea to talk about all the issues involved. Have you thought about how a baby will affect your way of life? Does having a child seem like the right thing for you as a couple, or are you just reacting to pressure from others, such as the potential grandparents? Do you both have the same desire for a baby?

A NEW KIND OF PARENTING

Family life has changed in recent years, and people have different expectations. A father used to be a protector, out at work all day and with little direct involvement in the care of children. Now, fathers and mothers are equal partners at home. Both may be working, full- or part-time, and sharing the financial responsibilities and the juggling of caring for home and family. Some couples may decide they don’t want to use any form of child care and so one of them takes a career break to stay at home. In an increasing number of couples, it’s the father who opts to be the caregiver while his wife earns the money, overturning traditional patterns of family life. One reason why such families are often strong and successful units is because they make their plans carefully and take account of both partners’ talents. But whatever practical arrangements you make, providing a stable, loving, and open environment in which to bring up children is what matters the most.

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