Becoming a Family

No matter how many baby books you read, and no matter how well prepared you are, you can still be knocked sideways by the impact of a newborn baby on your life. In addition to the physical requirements of looking after a baby, your normal domestic work will at least quadruple. Instead of doing the laundry once a week, you may find you have to do it every day. Such repetitive chores can create a heavy, tiring work load.

After the first few weeks, when relatives and neighbors stop dropping by to offer congratulations, the novelty of being home alone with a new baby can wear off rapidly. Mothers who have given up a job or a career may find that what they miss is not their work, but their work environment. They miss social interaction with their friends and colleagues. In particular, they miss the difference between work and home. With a young baby, you do not have the luxury of leaving your work behind.

Many people also find that making the transition from being a couple to being a family can prove more traumatic than they imagine. The dynamics in a relationship need to adapt to a new addition. Problems can arise when a couple finds it difficult to fit another person into the complex equation of human emotions that makes up a relationship.

New Responsibilities

The arrival of a child means that choices become stark: before­hand, for instance, if neither partner wanted to clean the bathroom floor, it could be left until later. But a baby can never be left until later. His needs take priority, and somebody has to take immediate responsibility for meeting them. Time that was previously spent on other things must now be given to the baby.

Ideally these lifestyle changes are shared equally within a partnership, but in practice women very often end up taking on the main burden. Depending on individual expectations, this can lead to deep, resentment within a relationship, causing a couple to move apart after the birth of their baby.

Research has shown that one in every two marriages in the U.S. goes into decline after the birth of the first child. All couples in the study, no matter how well adjusted they were, experienced on average a 20 percent increase in conflict within their marriage during the first year of parenthood. Although conflict can sometimes be healthy, it is often not what at new parents expect.

To reduce the stress placed on a partnership, it is vital that each partner has at least some idea of what to expect and is able to compromise. Having a baby means rearranging your life.

Equal Parenting

Although the role of men in parenting has changed over the last few decades, the attitude that child care is primarily a woman’s responsibility still persists. Ideally, you and your partner should discuss your respective roles before your baby is born. Women should make their partners aware that being a good father doesn’t just mean helping: it means fathering the child as well.

In a recent survey, 74 percent of fathers said they believed that child care should be shared equally. But when asked, “Do you share child care equally with your partner?” 87 percent replied “no”. In other words, almost nine out of ten women will not receive equal help from their partners.

This isn’t just damaging for women, it is also very limiting for men in two ways. First, a father’s relationship with his partner may suffer if she feels resentment at a lack of help and support. Second, if a father doesn’t play an active role in the early months and years of his baby’s life, he may lose the chance to form a close childhood bond with his son or daughter. A detached father will have a negative effect on his child. Girls may have trouble interacting with men and boys will be deprived of a male role model.

Fathering

Many of us remember our fathers seeming more distant and unapproachable than our mothers, but there is no reason why a child cannot enjoy an equally close relationship with both parents. A baby’s relationships do not operate on an either/or basis, and
you should never worry that if a baby spends an equal amount of time with his father, he may love his mother less. All young children need as much love as they can get, and both parents should do their utmost to provide it.

For a father to take on an equal role as a parent, he will have to overcome cultural pressures and perhaps change his own attitudes, too. He will also have to recognize his role as a caregiver rather than just a provider. Some men confuse parenthood with taking care of the bills, because that is what their own fathers did.

Today it may be economic factors that determine who is left holding the baby. If a woman earns more than her partner, or if he is unemployed, many couples can’t afford to let misplaced male pride reduce their weekly income. While the rise of the house-husband has undoubtedly benefited lots of families, it is important to bear in mind that the man left at home with a small child suffers from the same problems as a woman: isolation and boredom.

Grandparents

With the arrival of a first child, grandparents can be supportive or they can be the source of increased tension, especially if family relations are already strained. You will probably find that you see more of your in-laws once your baby is born, and ideally this will contribute to a happier family life.

Sometimes, however, the intimacy and interdependency of family relations means there is a fine line between helpfulness and interference. Ideally, you and your partner will have discussed the role you want grandparents to play. Once both of you have decided how much help you do or don’t want, you will find it easier to establish your authority by setting out the rules in advance.

It is understandable that many grandparents, particularly grandmothers, want to show you how they coped with a crying baby or a disobedient toddler. This advice is usually well-intended and may be welcome. If it isn’t, say so. Point out that it is your baby and that discipline – or any other matter – is therefore your responsibility. If you occasionally make mistakes, they will be your own.

It certainly is worth persevering to overcome problems with parents so your child will be able to reap the benefits of a secure and loving relationship with her grandparents.

A Special Relayionship

A good relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is rewarding for the whole family. Grandparents can offer a more relaxed perspective about your children, parents can rest secure in the knowledge that when grandparents are in attendance their
baby will be well looked after, and a baby can learn to form an important emotional bond beyond her mother and father. Grandparents can form special relationships with their grandchildren for several reasons. First, they see them less frequently than their parents do, which alleviates the strain of day-to-day care. Second, ultimate responsibility for a child rests with her parents. This frees grandparents to enjoy the thrill of parenthood without the accompanying worries and stresses. Third, a grandparent has already brought up at least one child, and problems are always easier to cope with the second time around. Grandparents are also likely to have more quality time to spend with their grandchildren.

As children become young adults with problems of their own, grandparents can offer a broader perspective on the difficulties facing them. A grandparent is likely to be the oldest person your child will ever know as a friend and can give your child an insight into how things were in the past, as well as being a lot more interesting and loving than history books.

Not all families, however, can enjoy the benefits of an extended family. This is particularly true today, as financial pressures force couples to move to where they can find work. Divorce can limit grandparents’ access to their grandchildren. This can be terribly upsetting for grandparents and grandchildren alike, and it helps if a child continues to see her grandparents regularly.

Love and Security

The most basic needs of any young child are physical care and emotional love and security. If a child feels well cared for, she will develop into a more outgoing and relaxed person. A child who is given enough love and security at an early age is likely to become less demanding as she grows older. Conversely, a child who is emotionally neglected may grow up insecure, clingy, and fearful.

It is important that parents not shy away from giving their child adequate love and security for fear of “spoiling” her. Although it is true that a child should not get into the habit of thinking she can have anything she wants, it is even more important that she not get into the habit of thinking she is not loved.

Remember, your child’s way of seeing things is very different from yours. Small and apparently trivial displays of affection (a hug, a pat, a kiss) will do much more to shape the personality of your young child than anything else. It is no good loving your child and trying not to show it, in the mistaken assumption that this will make her a “stronger” person. In fact, the opposite is true.

Affection produces emotional and physical results. For instance, when young babies are held in their mother’s arms, they breathe more slowly, have a steadier respiration, cry less, and sleep more.
This isn’t so surprising, since cuddling takes a child back to the comforting sensation of the uterus when she was warm and secure. Hugging is also the best way of communicating to a young child that you love and care for her. If your child sees her parents hugging each other she will know that, in spite of any arguments you might have, you still love each other.

Even if your child can feel that you love her through your physical affection, it is also important that she hear it. Toddlers especially need to hear that you love them. They have reached the stage where they can tell you that they love you, and they need this affection to be reciprocated. Never be shy about showing your love – It is the most important thing you will ever share.

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